Meggie Orgain (33 - she/her) and Aidan (3)
Dallas, TX
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Shortly before I became pregnant, I had started learning about the Intuitive Eating/Health at Every Size movements. Both of these teach that smaller does not equal better, unlike what most of us have been taught our whole lives. I’m glad that I had this perspective shift before I became pregnant, because woah. I was pretty physically active before pregnancy, but experienced depression (undiagnosed) almost as soon as I learned I was pregnant, and had no energy or motivation to move my body. Some days I couldn’t even get out of bed. My pregnancy was “normal” and “uncomplicated,” but I didn’t feel joy a single moment.
After a difficult and long labor, I gave birth via emergency cesarean. Nothing had gone according to “plan” and I was, for lack of a better word, lost. I felt broken—emotionally and physically. I felt like my body had failed, even though logically I knew it hadn’t. And the physical recovery was difficult and painful, all while trying to raise and breastfeed a newborn. The stretch marks from pregnancy and scar from my surgery are still very visible on me, and probably will be forever. My body does not look like it did before pregnancy and never will. On the one hand, this is a blessing because I have physical reminders of the amazing things my body did, but on the other it is hard to shake the “dream” of attaining the “perfect body” that doesn’t really exist. I am constantly asked if I am pregnant because of the shape/size of my midsection and clothes don’t fit me like they used to. All that said, I am doing my best to teach my son that all bodies are precious and worthy of respect. Which means I am trying my darndest to treat my body that way. I won’t pretend it’s easy, but it’s a goal I believe in and will continue to work toward everyday.
What was your postpartum experience?
My postpartum period was incredibly hard—not that I believe there is such a thing as an easy postpartum period, but still. The depression that had set in at the beginning of my pregnancy continued into PPD. I couldn’t connect with my baby, I didn’t feel like myself, I was exhausted and in pain and felt so alone. I never thought it would be easy, but I also never dreamed it could be that bad. I was staying home alone with my son while my husband worked all day. The hours were excruciating and bland at the same time. I counted down the minutes to when my husband would come home from work. I started seeing a therapist when my son was about 5 months old. That helped. I stopped breastfeeding and got back on the birth control I had been on for over a decade when my son was 7 months. That helped more. I started working a part-time job when my son was 9 months old, and that helped even more. The final piece of the puzzle was when I started taking an antidepressant a couple of months after my son turned 1. I felt like me again. I felt like a mom. I felt like his mom. When I read stories about people who go through a postpartum period and it is anything but horrific, I assume they’re lying. Because I can’t comprehend anything different than what I went through. The past few years I have done my best to process what we all went through and change my perspective on what could be if we were to have another child, but it’s not easy when your only lived experience is so painful.
What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
If I could tell pre-pregnant me anything it would be to trust my intuition. I’m usually pretty spot on about things, but pregnancy and postpartum took away my autonomy and made me question everything about what I felt, believed, and knew. It has taken me a long time to get it back, and I believe that if I were to ever go through pregnancy again, I would be stronger in my own voice and convictions than I was the first time.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I stumbled upon this project on social media while I was trying to fill my feed with accounts that show bodies as they are, not as we have been taught they “should be.” From the minute I saw it and started reading the stories, I felt like I had found a ray of hope. I wanted to participate because stories like mine are not ones that I hear too often and I wanted to make sure that if anyone out there had a similar experience, they wouldn’t feel alone. Or if they look like me, they wouldn’t feel like their bodies are “wrong.”