Erika White (37 - she/her), Mazzy (5), and Kodiak Slade (2.5)
Philadelphia, PA
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
After having my daughter my body bounced right back. I was pretty surprised! I carried the same with my son as far as weight gain but after having him my body has wanted to hold onto more squish around my belly. It’s nothing I really feel the need to complain to myself about though, honestly I’m pretty blown away at what this body had been able to do for my children. I carried them, birthed them both with out any interventions or medication, and nursed them both for 2 years each. I have gained a deep seated respect for women’s bodies after experiencing all growth and change. I definitely used to nit pick myself, wishing I had more of an hour glass figure and being way to conscious of any softness around my abdomen. Somehow all that has dissipated now. I don’t see my body as something that needs to be perfected, but as something with innate divine perfection already.
What was your postpartum experience?
I gave birth to my daughter in the peace and quiet of my home in the dead of winter. My midwife was adamant about taking my first two weeks postpartum completely off my feet, avoiding all stairs, and consciously taking that time to bond with my baby and allow my loved one to take care of me and my house. It was a god send. I birthed my daughter in our master bathroom upstairs, we moved to the bed to birth my placenta, and I stayed in that little cocoon for those first two weeks. My midwives came several times to assess me and my baby and my husband and mother fed me, took care of the house, shopped etc. my closest friends came to visit us and I got to spend that time truly soaking those unparalleled moments into the depths of me.
I struggled with breastfeeding her though. With in the first few days my nipples became raw and extremely painful and every time she cried to nurse a part of me would twinge with the anticipation of the pain. She had a pretty membraneous tongue tie which we all thought might stretch on its own but that paired with my fairly flat nipples ended up with fissures around both nipples and now scars. We got her tongue tie corrected at 2 weeks and it helped immensely. Everything healed and we were able to continue breastfeeding until she naturally weaned at 2 years old.
The experience after my son was very different. We started at home with our same midwife whom we adore. I was having squirts of blood with every contraction and after only a few hours of very erratic early labor my midwife said we should transfer to a hospital for continuous monitoring on the baby. I ended up having a beautiful birth at the hospital, the staff couldn’t have been more respectful of my desire to birth as uninterrupted and hands off as possible.
My mother and daughter were with me until about 2 hours before my son was born. It was midnight and my then 2.5 year old was spent. They went to my moms and would come back in the morning. After having my son around 2 am, me and my husband moved to a postpartum room which I got all to myself until that next morning. We decided he should go home to be there for our daughter, and I spent the night alone at the hospital with my tiny little man. It was surreal. Nothing like I had planned on or expected. I didn’t anticipate needing to transfer to a hospital so I hadn’t packed a bag just in case. I ended up throwing a bunch of random stuff into a bag once my midwife said she felt we should transfer. I was definitely panicked and worried about how my daughter would process this huge shift. We hadn’t talked to her about being apart or having the baby in a hospital. Everything was very sudden and then I was alone with my newborn in this foreign place. In spite of it all that night was sweet. We were only disturbed a few times for vitals, and he nursed like a baby cow. My milk came right in with him and I felt at home back in this newborn stage.
The days following were tough - We had over an hour commute back home the next day, making a stop at my moms to get Mazzy and rest for a little. I could barely walk and felt extremely drained. I had lost a lot of blood, but not enough for them to keep me another day. Our roof was under construction so we came home to plastic tarps and our master bedroom off limits. That had been my cocoon with Mazzy and now my house felt kind of foreign. I tried to settle into the same rest for those first few weeks but it never quite clicked the same way.
Feeling like I couldn’t be there for my daughter the way she wanted me to was heart breaking. I felt a huge rift between us and felt her push me away for the first time. I thought we had broken her, like I would never see her look at me the way she used to. Transitioning to a family of 4 was much more challenging for us than I ever expected. To top it off I got very sick. The coughing made my groin and abdomen ache, my head pounded, I couldn’t find comfort and rest in my body and I was terrified of getting my baby sick. Thankfully he was completely fine through those few weeks. He was my peace. Everything else felt extremely stressed - my daughter, my husband, my house, my body. But my son emitted so much calm and love. After a few weeks of being sick and house bound in the middle of the summer I finally had the strength to go outside and wanted to get my feet in the sand. I took a small stroll with him in a sling and right there on the shore was a washed up 4 leaf clover. I found a 4 leaf clover growing in one of my plants in the kitchen the day he was conceived, so finding this second one in that moment when everything felt so overwhelming was like he was telling me that everything was going to be ok. It was truly cosmic. Things evolved from there, I got back to normal, we started figuring out our new normal and my daughter started gaining trust in me again.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
To my former self: Your children will be your greatest inspiration and motivation to do and be the best version of yourself, and they will also push you to your extreme limits, testing your patience like nothing before. The work lies in realizing that your reactions are a reflection of your own unprocessed shit. Your own shortcomings. Truly having patience and calm in the face of anything your kids can throw at you will be your life long study and practice, and it will evolve your character beyond anything you could ever imagine.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I think it’s a huge service to women to normalize our myriad experiences in postpartum & parenthood. It can all feel very isolating and alone, and having an honest and comfortable community around us is such a gift.