Shelley Florence (35 - she/her), Zoe (5), Ava (3), and Tre (11 mo) You can view Shelley’s original photo and story from 2018 here.
Austin, TX
“My first pregnancy was when I was 24 years old and not in a relationship. From the moment I found out, I knew I wanted an abortion. Even though I had the means to get one and was an adult entitled to make my own decisions, I still had guilt. I chose a medication abortion and had to go through all the hoops that Texas makes you jump through before you are allowed. When it came down to getting the medicine to end the pregnancy I backed out. I went home and re-evaluated. I still knew that I wanted the abortion so I went back the next day. Looking back I realize I knew what I wanted but I had guilt from everything you are taught about abortion. You shouldn't be doing this, you have a job and money and can care for a child, etc. I don't want my children to have to go through that guilt, I just want them to see abortion as healthcare. I felt so empowered after I made that decision for myself. I really felt like I had control in my life and its outcomes.
My first intentional pregnancy ended in miscarriage after 5 months of trying to conceive. I found out at the 8 week ultrasound and chose to have a D&C at 10 weeks. The physical recovery was quick, but the mental recovery was tough. I had all these thoughts about if I would ever be able to have children and what did I do that caused this, etc. It wasn't as openly talked about as it is now, so it was very isolating.
I ended up pregnant with Zoe soon after.
I got pregnant with Ava on the first month of trying and had no issues during the pregnancy. When Ava was almost 1 year old, I had unprotected sex with my husband and ended up taking a Plan B the day after. The Plan B did not work and I ended up pregnant. I had a pregnancy in the uterus and one in the left tube. The one in the uterus miscarried and when they finally found the ectopic in my left tube, I went into emergency surgery. The tube was ruptured and they could not salvage it so I lost my left fallopian tube. It was a horrible experience where I felt like I didn't know my body and couldn't understand why I was in pain for a month and the health professionals couldn't figure it out. I was also scared I would not be able to have more children.
We decide to try for a 3rd and after a few months I was pregnant with Tre.
We are done having children now and my husband has had a vasectomy so we do not have to worry about other forms of birth control anymore.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I think parenthood has made me question all my ideas and conditioning about body image. I now have 3 young humans looking to me and imitating me. I want to model body neutrality for them but I have to deal with my own pre-programming first. Going through 3 full term pregnancies in 4 years and +/-40lbs each time has given me a new perspective on my body image. I am working on accepting the changes to my body and celebrating its strength instead of lamenting and grieving for the body I used to have before bearing children.
What was your postpartum experience?
Postpartum for me was different with each child. In my current postpartum journey after Tre, I've had to deal with my own health issues. At my postpartum followup, the midwife noticed my thyroid was enlarged and sent me off for ultrasound. After ultrasound and needle biopsy gave me a 50% chance of cancer on both sides, I had to get it removed. Exclusively breastfeeding a 5 month old and having a major surgery and cancer scare were not in my expectations. The nodules turned out to be benign and I have adjusted alright to the medicine. It was an extremely stressful time and at times I felt helpless because I couldn't care for my baby.
I have become much easier on myself in the postpartum period. I understand that I will eventually get back to the things I enjoy or eventually will wean the baby and have more freedom to travel or be away for longer period of time. I am a very active person and enjoy working out, but I know now on my 3rd time around that it usually takes me about a year to get back into a regular workout routine. I still make efforts and try to go regularly but if it doesn't work out I don't punish myself or feel guilty about it.
I think the hardest thing for me now is prioritizing adult time with my spouse. Time when no one is interrupting or needing either of us and we can just focus on each other. At the end of the day it is very easy to just collapse in the bed and pass out.
I work at a company that offers 18 weeks off for a vaginal birth with none of it paid. As the primary income in our house this is very difficult for us. I have taken 16-18 weeks off with each of my children and I can't help but feel its still not enough and why do I have to worry about money on top of all of it? I feel like we add stress to new mothers for no reason and instead of focusing on our own health and bonding with baby we also have to worry about paying bills, etc.
What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
You own your life. Don't be swayed by what others say you should or shouldn't be doing or they way you should or shouldn't look. You are exactly who you need to be. Also, the children you birthed are not "yours," you are just a guide and support for them. They are their own individuals and will probably teach you more about yourself than you will teach them.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
The quote, "I came for the pretty pictures and stayed for the movement" is so true, but I would like to add to that. I would say I stayed for the IMPROVEMENT, self-improvement. This documentary/movement has exposed me to so many new ideas that have helped me grow as a person. Normalizing abortion as healthcare, images of birth and postpartum bodies, perspectives of black mothers and white privilege, exposure and education about gender fluidity, etc.