Carter Nickell (30 - they/them). Parent to Shiloh (9 mo - pictured) and Arti (9)
Maryland {Virtual session. Captured via CLOS}
“I experienced a chemical pregnancy when I was seventeen, which I have complicated feelings about that are difficult to express.”
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Going through pregnancy with my first child helped me realize a lot about my gender identity and perceptions of my body. I struggled with the size of my chest during and after my pregnancy, but I felt lucky that my body mostly remained the same as it did before pregnancy. When my child was a toddler, I came out as nonbinary. What’s interesting to me is that when I got pregnant again ten years later, I had a much different view on my body and pregnancy. I no longer saw it as a “feminine” process. I was easily able to accept the growth of my chest, the widening of my hips, and all the other changes I went through. I embraced the awesomeness of growing a tiny little being. While I plan to have top surgery when I’m done chestfeeding, I’m proud of my body for all it has accomplished for my children.
What was your postpartum experience?
I had a traumatic birth with my first baby, which led to a dreadful postpartum experience. I struggled to find emotional support and looking back, I barely remember the first 6 months of my first child’s life. When I got pregnant with my second child, I was determined to have a positive and healing birth experience. I spent a lot of time researching OBGYNs and midwives, considering home birth vs birthing center vs hospital birth. I ultimately had a wonderful and incredibly healing hospital birth with a midwife. My baby also easily chestfed right after giving birth, which I believe further helped my postpartum experience be better than with my first. Unfortunately, the pandemic ruined my opportunity to have a birth photographer and extra physical support during my recovery, which are things I still think about with great sadness as this is my last baby.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself and demand consent. Don’t be afraid to switch providers if your needs aren’t being met. You are strong even when you feel you are not. Asking for help is not weak. You can do hard things!
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
Because of past trauma from my teenage years, the pandemic was a huge trigger for me. I was six months pregnant when the country shut down, and I plummeted emotionally. I had to go back to therapy and go back on my medications, one of which has never been tested on pregnant people so I had fears about my baby’s safety. I struggled to accept that I would no longer have the physical and emotional support I knew I would need postpartum. I spent the last three months of my pregnancy trying to create new coping skills and outlets that would also be feasible with a newborn. I’m now nine months postpartum, and looking back, I would never choose to have a baby in the middle of a pandemic! Our bubble is small, and we are very strict with covid protocols. I feel like I’m not as great of a parent as I could be because of how the pandemic has negatively affected me, but I try to remind myself that I’m not alone in the struggle.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I want to normalize the ups and downs of pregnancy, postpartum, and parenting. I also want more representation for nonbinary gestational parents.