Victoria Pater (34 - she/her), Hugo (24 months), Ivy and Opal (7 months - identical twins)
Michigan | Chicago, IL
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
On the rare occasion that I catch myself in a mirror, I usually think “wow, when did that happen?”. It’s honestly not the worst or the best reaction, but I’ve been too busy to really obsess over the extra weight, wider hips, and weird hair and skin changes (We're also going through a home renovation, so I don't spend much time in front of a mirror).
My body morphed back to a slightly heavier, squishier me after my first child was born, but no huge changes. It was all very quick though because I returned to work, weaned breastfeeding, and got pregnant again when Hugo was just 9 months old. That was all very much the plan — I wanted my kids close in age and I wanted to get this phase of expanding and recovering over ASAP. The one thing I did not plan for was carrying identical twins - surprise! And as it turns out, multiple pregnancies are a whole different ballgame.
It was hard on my mind and my body. I tell myself I’m over it, that there is no "bouncing back", and yet I haven't exactly bought myself new clothes in a size that fits my new, current body. I’m only 7 months postpartum and this time around everything is just different. I know as the kids get older I want to be a good role model for taking care of myself, but most days I can be found downing coffee and eating the cold leftovers off my toddler's plate.
What was your postpartum experience?
There are so many feels postpartum, I don’t know where to begin. Three children under two is intense. I thought after carrying the twins to 36 weeks, I'd give birth, recover for 6 weeks, get the ol' thumbs up from my doctors and start working out while the babies slept and I was home with them on maternity leave.
When that didn't happen, because I had diastasis recti (my abs split apart to make room for growing babies), I was strangely devastated. I don't even love to work out, but the idea of having a plan, getting into a routine, out of the house, and doing something nice for myself was so hard to let go of. All of a sudden I had no idea what recovery looked like. I was juggling too much on too little sleep and my brain couldn't reroute or advocate for myself. I felt extremely alone in figuring out a solution to a problem I knew little about and was bummed that new moms weren't better taken care of… by someone?!
It's been really hard to enjoy this time and I know I'll look back and be sad it's over, but wowowowow, it's so hard — mentally and physically. I feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty that I am not soaking it up and loving every second. I also feel guilty because I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have three healthy, "easy" babies. Why am I constantly overwhelmed? We have support, health insurance, resources, and people reaching out to check in. We can pay our bills, my partner is 100% involved, and yet… here we are, struggling to tread water. This is not at all how I pictured motherhood. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I had no idea it'd be this hard.
What is your truth? What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Almost nothing goes the way you plan, so be flexible and gentle with yourself. You’re stronger than you know, but surround yourself with a group of amazing people who can remind you that parenting is tough, but that you are doing an amazing job. It can be hard for me to leave the house with or without my three littles, so my fellow internet friends are everything. People seem to slide into my DMs at just the right time, and I am very grateful.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
The documentation of real bodies and the stories that go along with them are so important. It's a movement I want to be part of. I also selfishly want to see photos of myself with my kids during this “season of life” and remember how hard it was, but also how strong and beautiful I was/am, even if it doesn’t feel like that every moment of every day.