Tory Kassabaum (29 - she/her) and Orella (5.5 months)
Columbia, MO
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Motherhood is a strange mix of feeling more powerful, strong, and able than ever before and feeling more helpless, out of control, and unfamiliar with my body than ever before. Although my body looks similar from the outside, I am still learning to be comfortable with how incredibly different it feels to me and how many profound changes have taken place.
What was your postpartum experience?
Birth was hard, unbelievably hard, but my body knew what to do and there was no time or space to overthink it. It just happened. Postpartum was the exact opposite. There was endless time to stay awake to stare at my baby's chest to make sure she was breathing and obsess about how much breastmilk she was actually getting. For 3 weeks, this was my experience.. Then one morning, the anxiety lifted and I was able to be present and stare at my baby not only to check if she was breathing (because lets be real, sometimes I still do this...), but also to enjoy this unbelievably precious time. I would now stare at her for hours in awe, unable to believe that I birthed her and that she chose us.
What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Don't google things. Try with all your might to stay in the moment. Remember that everything is a phase and it will pass it time.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
When I was 8, small red bumps appeared on my face and despite the fact that I was a happy healthy child, I was clinically diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder… And then promptly told that I shouldn’t have children because they would also be affected.
Fast forward to about a year and half ago after doing years and years of reflection and self-work, I was finally able to admit that I wanted more than anything to have a baby of my own. So that is just what I did. I called in my baby, I talked to her, I told her that we would love her and cherish her just the way she was born.
Fast forward just a few more months and I was pregnant. I remember feeling overjoyed and filled with light and so excited and also that looming anxiety that I knew all too well.
I found counsel in a mentor with much experience and wisdom in instinctual birthing and living. She reminded me that when I was feeling anxious and starting the downward spiral of Googling for hours on end (we’ve all been there, right?!), I needed to check in with my body and my baby. Every time, every time, I was reminded of my vibrant child and strong body.
Because of this cycle of health anxiety/doubting my body’s abilities, pregnancy was a state of constant self-work… of learning and relearning to trust my body and my baby. Because of my negative history with the western medical world, my partner and I decided to work with a midwife and give birth in our comfy, safe home. We also decided, with constant and unwavering support from our midwife, to not get any testing or any ultrasounds, as it would only produce more worry.
Through my 10-month pregnancy, I practiced trusting my body again and again and again. I surrounded myself with women who birthed in power and who believed in my body and baby wholeheartedly. I stayed away from the internet and negative birth stories. I visioned birthing my baby in peace and letting go of control of the outcome.
On February 24, in a wild winter windstorm, Orella Lu was born on our bathroom floor with her waters intact. I roared my healthy baby out into the world as the sun came up. During our 12-hour labor, I never once doubted my health or my body’s ability to birth my baby. It was 12 of the most anxiety free hours I’ve ever had…Just my body and my baby, doing what we were meant to do. So simple.
Even with the practice of pregnancy and an empowering, trusting birth, I still have to work each day to end this health anxiety/constant worry with me. My daughter will not grow up doubting her body’s ability or vitality. She is strong and vibrant and healthy and just what she was born to be.
This is not the narrative that was written for me by my doctors, it is a narrative I worked hard to create. I want all people to have the opportunity to create their pregnancy, birth, parenting stories in the way that feels instinctual and powerful to them.