Mollie Barnathan (36 - she/her), Rose (5.5), Pearl (3.5), and Mae (14 mo)
Portland, ME
Mollie shares -
“My first pregnancy was 7 years ago. The 13-week ultrasound showed that the fetus had Turner's Syndrome and so we decided to terminate the pregnancy. A few months later we were thrilled to learn we were expecting twins! All the early genetic testing was normal, but the 20-week anatomy scan revealed that one of the girls had severe spina bifida. We "reduced" the pregnancy and our healthy daughter Rose was born in October 2014.
{You can read an OpEd Mollie wrote about this two years ago in opposition to the appointment of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court here. }
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Almost 6 years into motherhood I am at a point where I think my body is amazing. It grew and birthed and now cares for 3 humans. That power is beautiful. I am covered in physical scars from this mothering: a saggy belly covered in tiger stripe stretch marks, scratch marks from tiny finger nails, drooping breasts, flattened/expanded/callused feet, a pelvic floor that needs daily re-education. I work every day to find the beauty in some of these scars--that they are the result of extreme love and sacrifice and serve as reminders of how I have become who I am now. I have managed to shift my focus for the past couple of years (before and after being pregnant with Mae) to achieving strength and health in order to live life with as few limitation as possible and to be able to care for my family. I am not focused on being thinner/lighter, but rather comfortable in my body and healthy. I am trying to adjust my mind's eye to normal looking/curvy/larger women and how they dress themselves, how I can dress THIS body in a way that makes me feel good.
What was your postpartum experience?
Transformative. Rose and I struggled to breastfeed and I had postpartum depression. I woke up paralyzed with panic when she was 9 weeks old and called my mother in Boston and said you need to come up here I can’t take care of this baby. I became non-functional, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t stop crying, I was asking to be admitted to the hospital, I did not want to take care of my baby. I felt like I was out of my body. I started taking antidepressants, I increased how frequently I was seeing my therapist, I stopped breastfeeding, we hired a night nanny so I could sleep all night. I had terrifying thoughts killing myself and the baby, so we switched my meds. Our parents came in week long shifts to take care of us. After about 6 weeks I started to feel like my new self. We prepared very differently for the next 2 postpartum periods! I was on antidepressants from the moment of delivery, we had a night nanny every night for the first couple of months, I didn’t breastfeed. Postpartum was never easy, but it was less difficult each subsequent time. In going through this and talking with other parents I learned that the postpartum period is universally hard, even if there is nothing pathologic going on. It inspired me to become a postpartum doula. I am honored to walk through this period of time with new parents.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
The transformation to motherhood is powerful and complex. I can’t tell you when, but it will be OK! There is no one right way to do anything. All you are supposed to do for the first few weeks is watch TV and feed the baby. New motherhood requires an uncomfortable amount of surrender and relinquishing of control-particularly for women who are used being productive, organized and highly accomplished. “Let me fall if I must. The one I will become will catch me.” -Rabbi Baal Shem Tov
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
I have been home all day every day with all 3 kids since mid-March. It has been very intense! Our nanny has continued to work with us the whole time, otherwise I could not have held it together. I am trying to appreciate the extra time and closeness that we have as a trade-off to the kids not being at preschool. My heart aches for all the pregnant and postpartum mothers as Covid19 has added such a serious layer of unknown and fear to what is a huge adjustment even under good circumstances.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
So many aspects of pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and parenting were surprises to me, I felt so uneducated despite thinking I had prepared. And once I started experiencing situations and challenges that were “normal” in this realm, I became motivated to talk openly and honestly about this time in life with other parents and with people who don’t yet have kids. It felt like a disservice to not have know that there is so much pain, difficulty, and growth wrapped up in the joy and miraculousness of having babies. I am not having any more children. I want to immortalize the achievement and power I feel right now at being on the other side of that period of my life.